Game Show

Nothing says lovin' like somethin' you shot. Or caught.
So it makes perfect sense to show it on a matchmaking website. I think. Or not.

Old jocks never die, they just, uh, just . . .

Maybe because it's spring, I'm getting a lot of sports-related photos from Potential Suitors. None of them are playing golf, unfortunately.

No, instead, I get Johnny Bravo playing tennis -- hot, huh? -- and a 20-years-ago Johnny Weismuller pose from a guy wearing lime green hot pants.

WWE lives

Did I miss a pronouncement from Stylista or GQ that gave a shout out to Hulk Hogan facial manscaping as the new do for men? C'mon -- Hulk Hogan? Doesn't everyone know we aren't supposed to take him seriously? Just ask his wife.

Anyhoo, all of a sudden some Hulkster wannabes showed up in my inbox. The heinous handlebars ain't all, either -- the first one's screen name is "******4UtoDo" (I **ed part of it so the traffic wouldn't shut down his website). No, once again, I'm not kidding.

Rose-colored glasses

I get that guys want girls who like the same things they do -- heck, I'm looking for a golfer, can't imagine being in a relationship with a man who doesn't play golf. But what is with all the Faux-kley bug-eye sunglasses? They look like flight goggles, and I don't mean that in a Top Gun kind of way.

Notice that Potential Suitor #1's photo is taken in his family room, the need for shades apparently warranted by the bright flash of the self portrait.




I can't figure out where in the hell PS #2's photo

was taken, but it looks like he's under something that involves steel beams and welding. Maybe that explains the glasses. Notice, too, that the mandanna, facial hair and suspenders are all carefully color-coordinated.

At a loss for words . . .

OK, no pix this time -- I want you to focus solely on the Pulitzer-worthy prose. I can not believe the things some of these guys write as "introductions." Does anybody ever go out with these guys? I didn't think so. These are direct quotes. No, I'm not kidding.

#1: this man just want to meet some fun loving,intelligent women.no stings attached!!id like to meet adventurous women, bold ,,out spoken,,not too timid or shy,,im a big man who likes a lot of woman,when i hold a lady, i wanna feel something,,besides bones,she need to look good and cook good,,someone who likes to get out the house sometime,have a few drinks, and kick up her heels ..laugh out loud.curse if you wanna,,be yourself if we click,,we will click,,if we dont we wont,above all things,im a gentleman, i wanna meet a lady who thinks she wants to run with a bigg dogg,((come off that porch woman and holla at me))!!!

Snarky comment: I ain't no holla back gurl!


#2: An intelligent, confident, attractive woman. Breast size is unimportant. She must enjoy affection, giving and receiving. She must not have past relationship baggage. She must not be prudish when it comes to sex. I hope that she is tolerant of my shortcomings.

Which leads me to believe he wants a girl to whom schwing size is unimportant.

#3: I am a honest hard working man, has worked hard all his life and now am starting to slow down, and try to relax and enjoy life , ride motorcycles, watch all of the tress and bushes, grow to become the garden I hope it will be...I am a blue jean and t-shirt guy looking for the same in a women, real, no fake nails, no smoking, just the real girl...

Fake nails are a deal-breaker. Huh.

#4: I enjoy writing Erotica as well as paranormal work. I’m always interested in special places, houses, and things where apparitions creep around. Old stories fascinate me to no end. I like to listen if the words are worthy, and laugh my ass off when their funny. Campfires are also fun.

This guy plainly states he's married, yet he's on a dating site looking for someone who shares his interest in erotica. I'm thinking it's not just apparitions that creep around.

Think you're having a bad hair day?

Every year women spend bazillions of dollars with their stylists and buy enough hair products to circle the globe several times. We all want to look good, right? So are men just clueless? Indifferent? Content with '80s hair?

Captain Kangaroo's long lost brother. The kid he's holding even has a knife to cut that wild-ass hair.








Maybe he was growing it out for an "I Look Like My T-Shirt" contest.

In addition to a comb-over/mullet combo, this guy also qualifies for the previous post: The Shining 2009

Rhinestone Cowboy?

OK, the guy's first picture creeped me out because of the scary psycho eyes and the silver tips on his shirt collar, but everybody takes a bad picture at least once in their lives, even psychos. How would the Motor Vehicle Department stay in business if it weren't for all of us going back to try to improve that picture? (You all do that too, don't you?) The porn star mustache doesn't help, either.

But then I looked at the second picture.

Now, in addition to the hat, he's got a short-sleeve Sears Indian print sport shirt (and really -- a short-sleeve sport shirt? Who wears those?) PLUS we get the hat tip with the "Here's to you, ladies" salute. There also appears to be a wallpaper border of kitty cats, a chrome rack placed high enough on the wall to make me suspect the picture was taken in his bathroom, and a little, teeny, tiny dried animal skull on the wall. I'm thinking to myself "Oh my, what is the dealio here?" when up pops picture number three.

RUN, RUN, AS FAST AS YOU CAN! He's naked --except for the cowboy hat and a bow tie. Sweet Mother of God, what woman on earth would look twice at a man in this condition? Got to give him props for the omnipresent rakish tilt of the hat, though!